How hot is it? Well, since you asked ...

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By Ray Criscoe
Courier Tribune (NC), Jul 26 2010
There is some good news regarding the not only recent but apparently never-ending heat wave. Yes, good news, which you can always find if you dig deep enough. Apparently, it’s too hot even for criminals. Now it may be the heat has dazed me and I’m not seeing straight, but our law log appears to have shrunk again this week, continuing what seems to be a heat wave trend. We’ll have to get into the statistics later to see if global warming is the answer to break-ins. If there is a decline in criminal activity, there could be a number of accompanying explanations. It could be the police and sheriff’s departments have just caught all the criminals. If so, yay them! Or, because it’s so hot, a factor could be that nobody’s going outside, which leaves fewer empty houses, and thus fewer break-in targets. Maybe the economy’s just so poor there’s no one left to buy stolen goods, so there’s less demand for them. I did just read that today’s minimum wage of $7.50 has less buying power than the minimum wage of 1956, which was $8.02 adjusted, according to Let Justice Roll. Thus, you can’t buy or sell as many stolen goods with today’s dollar, so why bother? Or it could be that it’s just too freakin’, good gosh when is this nightmare going to end, I can’t even turn my steering wheel HOT! Just how hot is it? It’s so hot ... the bees are sitting in the shade, turning to philosophy: “To bee, or not to bee ...” It’s so hot ... the local pool is now the local jacuzzi. I won’t tell you where the bubbling comes from. It’s so hot ... even 80-year-olds are turning on the air conditioning. It’s so hot ... my sweat has sweat. It’s so hot ... tall grass has surrendered, limply bent over in shame. It’s so hot ... parents have quit trying to make their kids go outside. It’s so hot ... when the rapper Ice Cube’s name is mentioned, it now conjures up an image of an actual ice cube, suspended in mid-air. With a little bead of water dripping off one corner. And a bit of mist rising above, where the cold ice is battling the smoldering air. Mmmmm ... sorry, got distracted there. It’s so hot ... looking at weather maps has given new meaning to the term “red states.” It’s so hot ... some parents at the State American Legion tournament in Asheboro this weekend were hoping their teams would lose early so they could get out of the sun. (Just kidding! ... well, not really.) It’s so hot ... snakes are no longer cold-blooded. It’s so hot ... The sun is burning hair off my head, creating a bald spot. (That’s my story and I’m sticking to it ... literally.) It’s so hot ... there’s no reason to jump out of the frying pan. (Think about it ...) It’s so hot ... I’ve had to put my winter gloves back on just to drive. It’s so hot ... I don’t want to go to the beach. It’s so hot ... the chicken wouldn’t even try to cross the road. It’s so hot ... oysters are coming out of the ocean already steamed and ready to eat. It’s so hot ... bobbing for apples is now done in ice chests. It’s so hot ... more women are leaving Team Jacob for Team Edward (i.e., the cold one). It’s so hot ... I’m too drained to pick up my arm and punch out someone who asks, “Hot enough for ya?” Well, maybe it’s not that hot. Check back with me Tuesday.